Firstly, I fear about the health of my baby. I’m sure every mother worries whether her child will be born healthy and I am no exception. It isn’t for my sake that I worry, I worry for her. I don’t know how it would be possible to watch a child in any sort of pain or discomfort. So in my prayers all I ask for is a healthy and happy baby. I could not care less about how she looks.
Until recently, I was not too concerned about the actual labor and delivery. I had even watched a few birthing videos and even though it had scared me I still never saw myself actually doing that. But now I find myself doubting whether I have the strength and pain tolerance to go through labor and push a baby out of my body :s I am beginning to feel those who get c-sections are lucky in a way. I am also afraid that if I am not able to push my baby out, I will compromise her health.
My next fear is tied in with labor and delivery and it is the fear of dying! The wife of one of my hubby’s friends (Reenat Apu) had once told me (before I knew I was pregnant and while she was pregnant) that near the end of the pregnancy you start to fear death. I get that now. I fear bleeding out on the delivery bed and dying. Or hemorrhaging. Fear is so strong sometimes that I even wrote out a Will (however unofficial it may be) and am going to email it to my sisters and hubby, so they know what I want for my baby if I’m gone.
Lastly I know a lot of mothers fear that they won’t be good mothers or will fail their child in some way or the other. Fortunately I have never ever really doubted my ability as a mother. Ever since I was a little girl, I have adored the idea of having children (before I even knew how children were made :p ). Sometime in the future I may find that I was wrong, but I think I was born a mother. I can’t imagine anyone else raising my baby but me. I know a lot of people enjoy gramdmas or other people assisting but I want to be the only primary caregiver for my baby (besides the father of course). I try to keep myself as well informed as I can about all the basics of baby care and I just can’t wait for motherhood to begin. I think I get this from my father who was such an involved and loving parent. It made me want to be such a strong presence in a child’s life. To give a child so much love and knowledge throughout their life that I can one day in the future say to myself that that’s my daughter/son and I can die knowing I raised them to be good, successful, loving people.