WARNING: Proceed with caution. May be unsuitable for anyone pregnant or planning on getting pregnant. Reader discretion is advised. :p
Ok to continue where I left of (sorry this will have to be a rushed post as well...too exhausted). Arissa is sleeping so I'm going to try and get this started. Oh by the way after the first 12 or so hours up until I began pushing, there are some blanks in my memory since I was so delirious from the pain or because I was so drugged up. Sunvi and my mom filled in some of those blanks for me later on.
So where was I? Ok the epidural was not working. By the way, the catheter that went in my urethra was no fun either *shudder*. Anyways, I kept watching the screen beside my head to prepare my body for when the contractions would start again. And as soon as the contraction would start, I would turn my head away from the monitor and just repeatedly ask my mom or Sunvi "Is it ending? Is it ending?" And even though I could feel when each peaked and subsided I needed to be told it's ending even before it ended, just for some mental relief before the momentary physical relief. By 10 pm, I was only at 6 cm and I just couldn't take it anymore. I literally couldn't think about anything but why God was putting me through so much pain. I no longer cared about anything but making my pain go away. I begged Sunvi and my mom to help me even though I knew they would not be able to. Sunvi kept trying to get me to do the breathing we had learned in birthing class. The only time I did do the breathing is when Sunvi would yell at me for holding my breath during the entirety of each contraction. Every time, the nurses came into the room I would beg the nurses to help me. Looking back, I feel so bad for myself - I mean all I did for hours and hours is beg every single person I saw, even the orderlies and cleaners, to PLEASE HELP ME. Finally someone heeded my pleas and sent in the anesthesiologist again, who said the only thing they could do was re-do the epidural which is risky because it could lead to more severe side effects and paralysis. My mom started freaking out after she heard that and tried to get me to continue on without an epidural. But dear god the pain was just too much for too long now. So I agreed to accept the risks and the anesthesiologist went to work. AND I finally experienced some BLESSED RELIEF! I remembering for the first time being able to smile at my mom and Sunvi when they came back into the room. I could feel the tightening and pressure in my uterus and vagina during the contractions but I no longer felt the pain! Epidurals are honestly miracles for anyone experiencing painful or long labors, it would just make childbirth so much easier and possibly even an enjoyable experience (of course having a c-section is the easiest childbirth - those who have had them say so).
The only way I can think to describe the pain is - someone INSIDE me slashing and stabbing me in the front and someone else using a chainsaw and possibly also a very large drill on my back (hence the back labor). The pain was just getting worse and worse and I had less time in between each to catch my breath. I kept screaming towards the door - "please just help me!" I kept telling my mom and Sunvi that I was going to die - and I honestly felt that I was. I even started swearing. My mom told me that a doctor came in and gave me some sort of morphine derivative for my pain and I was so loopy for a while that I started swearing at the nurses. I requested one of the nurses to tell the doctor I want a C-section done or else I would die, she proceeded to lecture me on how I had to do this the regular way. And when she realized I wasn't going to care about what she had to say, she just kept staring at me which prompted me to tell my mother (in Bengali) that if that nurse didn't get the hell out of the room, I was going to gouge her eyes out. Lol in my loopy state, I had become very vicious.
Anyways, the drug eventually or rather quickly wore off and at around 4am, my cervix was dilated to a 7 ONLY and the doctor decided to help things along. She told the nurse she wanted to try stimulation and when I heard that I asked through gasps and groans what that meant. She told me I did not need to know and hushed me. What I didn't need to know was that the doctor was going to use all her fingers to try and manually dilate me :s Anyways, she did that and told me to give one big push while she was doing it. And I instantly went from 7cm to 9cm. Finally some quick progress.
Now I was starting to feel the pressure increase down there - her beautiful head was descending. And this pressure was a whole new sensation. It was like something was stuck there and was never coming out. YUCK - imagine the worst constipation in the history of constipation :s So once Arissa had descended down to station zero I knew it was time to start pushing. At around 5am I asked Sunvi to get the doctor. The doctor checked and said I was fully dilated and ready to push. Pushing was a battle. The doctor said push whenever you feel a contraction coming. Well at that point I felt the contraction almost every second - so was I suppose to push every second and how was I suppose to do that and take breaths so I don't pass out? Then after about 45 mins of pushing and pushing to the point where my insides felt like they had been stretched to infinity the nurse looked down and told me I wasn't pushing properly! Jeez mind telling me that before! So then I was told to push like I was having a bowel movement. I pushed and still the nurse wasn't satisfied. I could feel my insides ripping apart - where were all those painkiller hormones your body is suppose to release at this time??? Finally I couldn't take it anymore and declared that I had tried enough and could not push anymore. But even as I said that my body could not stop from pushing...it was like if I didn't push than the pain would be just worse. So I kept at it as Sunvi stood by me just counting to 10 every time I pushed and in the background I could hear my mom chanting prayers like a crazy woman. Still our little baby wasn't making an appearance. I got so frustrated from the pain, the pushing and the fact that the nurses kept telling me I wasn't pushing hard enough that I just screamed at the top of my lungs at the next push (whilst severely bruising Sunvi's hand). Thats when she crowned - but as soon as I stopped screaming, the top of her head popped back in! The doctor came back and started scolding me for screaming but the nurse told her that it was the only thing that helped me push. So until 6:15...I screamed and pushed (as well as scared the crap out of the other mom's laboring in the ward) and her whole head emerged all squished and pointy (it's a tight squeeze - poor thing). And at 6:24am, her face came out all flattened and then with one final push her body slide out.
What I found so surprising was how easy it was once her head was out and what an incredible relief it was as her slippery body slid out. Your whole body was relaxed entirely in that instant and you feel no pain for the next few seconds - and those few seconds are precious because that's when you realize your baby is out in this world, that you finally did it! However, after those precious seconds your mind snaps back and you remember what hell your body just went through lol. And it's worse if you have perineal tear and/or episiotomy - both of which I somehow had. I was bleeding profusely. So the doctor's started to stitch me up and even though they gave me local anesthetics I could still feel each time the hooked needle pierced my skin. So again, I went from being in a state of shocked zen and listening to my baby's first cries to Oh my GOD they are stitching me up down there and I CAN FEEL IT! Sunvi kept trying to tell me how great I did and how beautiful she was but I couldn't really 'hear' him anymore. I was trying to just zone myself out - hoping for an out of body experience where I can just not feel anything but still be there in that room with my baby. After what seemed forever, I managed to ask the doctorS when they would be done and they said it would still take a while. I asked why and they told me I had not only torn my perineum but also had a tear internally all the way up to my cervix! After more than an hour they were done stitching and in the meantime, Arissa had been taken to be cleaned and weighed. My mom and Sunvi came and told me she was a healthy baby. And this is where my Labor and Delivery Horror story ends because I believe soon after all those useless drugs had finally started working and I was slowly drifting off into high-land :)
Writing this part was difficult because not only does my newborn have a crazy schedule and is a total handful but I was forced to relive the whole event again. And although this story had a beautiful and adorable happy ending, my initial plans of having a crazy amount of kids has been put on hold :p - for now...
And I do need to add how grateful I am to my mom who endured watching HER child go through such a traumatic event (although she swears to never endure it again lol - she wants to wait in the waiting room next time) and a special thank you to my awesome hubby who did not falter once during the whole labor and delivery. He was strong and supportive and kept me going the entire time even when my mom was freaking out and crying.
Also please don't let this post discourage you from having kids, because I would still go through it all again to have my baby girl and each woman has a different experience and some labors are quick (my friend also a first time mom was done in 2 hours) and most epidurals always work making it relatively painless as well. Compared to labor pregnancy is a breeze and even with the labor, for me, it was still all worth it =)