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July 17, 2010

Grateful

Few nights ago, Sunvi and I took Arissa out to a restaurant. She sat patiently on Sunvi’s lap watching the other customers. We proudly noted how everyone kept turning around to look at and admire our beautiful baby girl. Half way through our meal, a lady came up to us and told us how beautiful she thought Arissa was and asked if she could hold her while we finished eating. My first though was, “Oh my god! Is she crazy! No, Stranger, you can’t hold my child”. Sunvi politely told her that we were fine and that Arissa wasn’t bothering us anyways.  But she kept insisting and Sunvi, being the sometimes unnecessarily polite person that he is, didn’t resist when the lady pulled Arissa out of his arms (people here have very different ideas of what boundaries are).  I was furious at Sunvi. How could he just let some stranger pick her up!? I quickly ate the rest of my meal whilst keeping both eyes on my baby (who didn’t seem to mind being in an unknown person’s arms).  Then as I was taking Arissa back from the lady, the lady teared up and told me that she really loved babies but unfortunately, could not have any of her own. Immediately I felt remorse for having thought of her as a weirdo.  All I could say was “oh…sorry”. And although I took Arissa away from her, I wished I could have felt more comfortable letting the lady hold her for a little while longer. As we were leaving the restaurant, I decided to take Arissa over to the lady’s table to say goodbye. She was still teary eyed.  That night, as I lay in bed, I kept thinking about that lady.  I soon realized that I was crying for her, thinking about her pain. I also love babies and dreams of motherhood for me started pretty much since I was a teen dreaming of finding love and getting married. How would I feel if I knew I could never have children? Would I be able to bear watching other women with their children? I probably wouldn’t. Without the possibility of having an Arissa in my life, I don’t know if I would have ever been able to go on. In the end, I again shed a tear, this time for myself. A tear of gratefulness.

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