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October 9, 2010

'That' Fever

....I can feel it coming on...again! It's that fever that makes you feel all giddy and happy and hopeful inside...that fever that makes you want to lovingly rub your belly...that fever that makes you delirious and suddenly you forgot/or never consider all the hard stuff that will follow...that fever that can make a girl melt at the sight of a newborn - its called Baby Fever. And yes, I can feel a case of baby fever coming on. Can you believe it? Its only been 6 months since I've had the most precious little baby in the world and now I want another! Few months ago, I suddenly came up with a whole slew of gorgeous baby names. I have more than a dozen girl names and only 2 boy names (I don't know why, maybe because I already have a daughter, but I find myself imagining and almost being sure my next one is going to be a girl too!) But baby fever still hadn't hit then. Its probably because I was still horrified at the thought of going through another labor and delivery or because Arissa's colic had forever changed my opinions of how newborns can be - not so adorably quite and UN-MANAGEABLE.. But now, a few months later...those thoughts are wearing off and the idea of having another newborn is burrowing in.
I want to be like this proud momma... leading her beautiful little duckling (in an orderly fashion of course).

When I was little...the earliest I remember was in 3rd grade...I had a vision of myself in the future. Actually I had many different visions...but they all had one thing in common. At first I wanted to be an Author...I imagined myself sitting at the beautiful vintage mahogany desk and typing away on a typewriter. Anne of Green Gables was my inspiration. Next, while in the 5th grade, I wanted to be an archaeologist. I saw myself as the female version of Indiana Jones...with the hat and minus the whip (I think, in my imagination, the whip had been replaced by Xena's Shakhram =D) Anyways, no matter what I grew up to be...in each vision I was a mother. That's right...somehow, even whilst traveling the world in search of lost civilizations, I always had a bunch of kids at my side...digging with me...exploring with me. I know how unrealistic that is NOW but hey...I was in the 5th grade. As I grew up, no matter, which direction life was going...I knew for sure that more than anything in this world...I wanted..needed to be a mother. I envisioned myself with lots and lots of babies. I don't know how or why such a deep desire grew in me...I'm sure lots of women have it but I wanted it baaaad...even more than I wanted my prince charming. At one point in my life when I thought that I would never find my true soul mate...I prayed to God that he would make it possible for me to at least adopt a child if not make me the next Mary of Nazareth (well, I don't want a prophet baby ..imagine the pressure!)

At some point, Sunvi might have imagined us like this
After I got married, I announced to Sunvi that I wanted a dozen kids...12!! We had just been married, and Sunvi being the cutie pie that he is didn't want to upset me or start telling me what I can and can't dream of...so he smiled and said sure. Wait...maybe he was smiling at the idea of his 'part' in the conception of 12 kids :S...Now that I think about it...I'm sure that's what he was thinking about when he agreed! Anyways...after a while I realized, that in this day and age, 12 kids was for crazy people or really rich people. I revised my Magic Number to 6. This time Sunvi brought up the financial aspect of sending 6 kids through college and paying for 6 weddings. Hmmm...he had a point...but then I got pregnant and stopped worrying about the 6 kids I wanted...and started dreaming about the ONE precious child I was about to have. After my almost traumatic labor experience, Sunvi was sure I would never want any more kids. He was traumatized himself...he told me he didn't think he could go through another day like that...having to be strong while thinking his wife looked like she was about to die. A month after Arissa's birth...Sunvi asked me if I would be willing to give him just one more...I wasn't sure...I told him to ask me again later (not when I've been up 4 nights in a row with a colicky newborn). Another month went by and I was open to the idea of 2 kids. Sunvi's Magic Number is and always has been 2. However, now that I feel Baby Fever coming on again...I want my original 6, 4 girls and 2 boys (:P). I know Sunvi would never go for that...So I've come to a compromise and settled on the wonderful and even (I don't know why that's important) number of 4. I want 4 kids. I want them running around our home and making beautiful wonderful chaos...which they of course will then have to help clean up. I want Arissa to have many siblings. I want a home that is so blessed with the sound of childrens' laughter. I want to help my kids with their homework and teach them neat crafts. I want my kids to form teams and play in the backyard with Sunvi. I want to cook dinner for a full table and figure out new ways to get my kids to eat their veggies. I want to be tired and exhausted and just worn down, but then when it's time for bed...I want to think about all my children sleeping soundly in their beds and I want to smile to myself and say 'Good Job Mommy'. Sunvi and God...please gimme it....I WAN IT....I WAN IT, I WAN IT, I WAN IT...(fever talk?)

EDIT - *The fever hasn't yet made me insane enough to start trying for another one right now....

3 comments:

Tuli said...

O my god WOman u r crazy !!!! shit .. 6 months na hotei !!. at first when i was reading it i thought i was reading it wrong but then no it was Mrs Antara very much writing wht i had read ..
how do u want to go thru labor, sleepless nights and everyhting again so soon ???
Inshallah ja chao tai hok ...:)

Amy said...

I know what you mean haha :) I would love another one. I think it would be a bit scary at first, but it would be so wonderful! I too want lots of kids. At least 5 (if the Lord wills). Jeremiah and I believe in letting the Lord direct us in our lives. We are trusting Him to give us as many children as He wills. Remember, the Lord will provide! And babies are so wonderful and such blessings!

Antara said...

@tuli - lol...don't worry I don't plan on having one just yet...god willing in a few years maybe :)

@amy - babies are such a blessing! I'm sure God will give you many sure :)

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