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November 15, 2010

Wishful Switching?

Every Since I've had Arissa, there really has never been a moment where I've wished myself somewhere else without her...or a moment when I wondered "Oh, what would my life be like if _______(fill in the blank)..." You know, those moments where you are still YOU but a different YOU; Where YOU are the same as a person just the setting-theme (not location) of your life has changed. I don't have the slightest wish for a high powered career or a socially exciting lifestyle. I don't ever wonder how my life would be if I had chosen to and successfully continued on the path to going to med school or what my life would have been like if I had chosen not to have my baby or how my life would be if I had the company of a dozen friends exposing me to a world of culture and... fun. I do wonder what life would be like if I were still in Canada, but that's it...the location has changed, but I do the same things...I remain the same  - I am a mother to an amazingly beautiful, active, hot-tempered little baby named Arissa Sunara, wife to an adorable, funny, smart guy named Sunvi. The true essence of what MY life IS doesn't change in that thought. 

However, on very rare occasions, days when I am just worn out in all ways, I wish for something odd...a switch. I wished for it the day when, couple of months ago, I pulled a muscle in my groin and had sciatica in my back (simultaneously) and even moving a cm resulted in unbelievable pain just shooting through the lower half of my body. What did I wish for? I wished that I could trade places with Sunvi; that I could have been the father...just for a little while, and Sunvi would have been Arissa's mother. Everything else stays the same...we are where we are, I (Sunvi) still work at the university, Arissa is as she is and life is all around identical. You're thinking...'Well, if you're gonna wish for something...might as well have wished for your pain to go away..' But it wasn't just about the pain. I was worn out mentally, physically, emotionally. You see, even with my pain, my mind kept running around thinking about so many things that I as the control freak mother think of. I couldn't move,I twisted myself into a position where I could at least breast feed Arissa when she woke up. Once that was done, Sunvi took me to the hospital and I kept thinking, what is she doing...what if she gets hungry? When it was time for her rice cereal meal, I kept asking Sunvi to call the house for the hundredth time to tell them to make sure to take the food out of the jar and not put it in the jar because of potentially introducing bacteria. At the hospital, we got a call from my mother-in-law who told us Arissa wasn't taking the bottle but she was hungry..i.e she wanted Mommy. Now I'm thinking...OK the hospitals here really are NOT hygienic...what are my options..etc etc..See, even when I'm having the best day...I'm thinking about a million different things when it comes to my baby and I can't help it. You can't tell me to change, or take it easy, or why do I have to be one of those mothers who has to control everything blah blah blah...This is the way I am, I like it, I think my baby benefits from it. Period. As I was saying, on a regular day, I still think about all these things. But that day, I was just worn down to the bottom...No sleep, lots of pain, more than usual stress, EVERYTHING. So, at the end of the day...when I came home and went right on with taking care of Arissa, and everyone in the house thought, 'She must be fine now...obviously it wasn't as bad as we thought.'..I wished.

I wished that Sunvi was the one whose body had gone through labor. He was the one who had pushed out an 8 pound-er from his little hole (oh don't gasp!...I DO mean it literally and not as...) and I was the strong, pain-free one standing there yelling numbers and words of encouragement. I wished that Sunvi was the one who was being stitched up while I was the one looking down at my daughter...the most precious thing in my world.

I wished that Sunvi was the one who breastfed and I was the one who could only hope to ever form such a symbiotic bond with my baby. That Sunvi was the one who had to watch what he ate, and avoid medications as much as possible and in the case of the above mentioned injury...I wish Sunvi was the one who had refused the crazy amounts of pain-killers and muscle relaxants that the doctors prescribed just because he was breast feeding OUR baby. I wish I could be the one making fun of how big his boobs have gotten and how squishy his belly jiggle is. 

I wished that Sunvi was the one who did everything, from worrying to ass wiping all through the day, and I was the one who went to university, gave a lecture and enjoyed the respect of a professor. I wished that he would be the one who took such great care (as I do ;p) of our baby and that I was the fun parent, who got to come home and make Arissa laugh and giggle and roll around till bed time. 

I wished that Sunvi was the one who had to face and answer every Arissa-parenting related question/comment others had. I wish he was the one who had to say, no I do this because...or please don't do that. I wish I could be the chilled-out parent that he sometimes is (of course, I think he, in real life, can be chilled-out because he knows I will see to everything Arissa related...right Babe?). 

I wished that Sunvi was the one without whom Arissa could not go to sleep...that it was his chest she slept on and his lips she hooked her fingers into and his nose she pinched...and that I was the one who would try to get her to sleep on my chest, but give up after 20 seconds of Arissa screaming. I wish I could sleep worry free, knowing that Arissa had the best person (yes, I think NO ONE in this world would have been a better parent for Arissa) taking care of her every need. 

And as soon as I had wished all this things, I wished my wish would never be. You knew that was coming didn't you? Honestly, if you know me...what did you expect? No wishful switches wanted...just sometimes...wishful thinking will do. 
I love that I do all makes me feel like I am the most indispensable, the most special thing in someone's baby's. I love myself as Arissa's mommy...God, If you're going to grant me a wish...please don't change what I am (ahem gender-wise) or who I am and especially don't change those I'm surrounded by every day.


Afsana K said...

awww.that's so sweet...yea it's so hard being a parent, especially a mom. but you are doing such a greatttt job! :)

Antara said...

=D thank u!

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